Foreword vii
Introduction 1
How This Book Came About 2
What to Expect from This Book 3
And Here We Go … 5
1. Our Defenses and How They Get in the Way of Love 6
What Is Love? 7
What Interferes with Love? 8
How Defenses Are Formed 9
2. The Critical Inner Voice That Supports Our Defenses 20
Your Real Self and the Anti-Self 21
How the Critical Inner Voice Develops 22
How the Critical Inner Voice Operates 23
3. The Voice Therapy Method 34
Old Habits—and
New Hope for Change 35
The Voice Therapy Method 35
Reactions to Challenging the Critical Inner Voice 48
Why Voice Therapy Works 48
Journaling and the Voice Therapy Method 50
4. When Love Makes Us Feel Vulnerable 55
Defenses Against Vulnerability 56
How to Be Vulnerable to Love 67
5. When Love Disrupts the Fantasy Bond 78
How the Fantasy Bond Develops and Continues 79
The Fantasy Bond in a Couple 84
How the Critical Inner Voice Enables the Fantasy Bond 91
Challenging the Fantasy Bond in a Couple 92
6. When Love Challenges Our Negative Identity 99
Your Negative Identity 100
How to Challenge Your Negative Identity and Maintain
Your Real Identity 108
7. When Love Triggers Guilt 114
Guilt for Being Happier and Different 115
How the Critical Inner Voice Encourages Guilt 119
Taking Action to Overcome Guilt 121
Defensive Strategies: Selection, Distortion, and Provocation 122
8. When Love Arouses Deep Sadness 129
Where Does the Sadness in Love Come From? 130
How We Cut Off Sadness 133
How to Face Sadness 141
9. When Love Stirs Up Our Fear of Loss 147
How Death Anxiety Is Aroused 148
How the Critical Inner Voice Intensifies Death Anxiety
and Fear of Loss 154
How to Live with Death Awareness 160
The Positive Effect of Death Awareness 161
10. A Look Ahead 164
Continuing to Use the Voice Therapy Method 165
Preserving Individuality to Strengthen Your Relationship 167
Developing the Skills for Communicating in an
Intimate Relationship 170
Dealing with Anger Constructively 175
The Act of Loving 180
A Few Final Words 184
Acknowledgments 188
References 189
