Life affords us many opportunities to fall into a pit of despair from which it can be hard to climb out. To compound matters, the pervasive effects of the global pandemic are a daily reminder of life’s uncertainties. For most people, this “new normal” has created additional burdens that elevate our susceptibility to emotional distress. Persistent feelings of anxiety, despair, guilt, shame, humiliation, and resentment are emotions that can rob us of a higher quality of life and happiness. 

When emotional distress is unrelenting, we can look to our way of thinking to find the answers. You might think that negative emotions like anxiety and humiliation have little in common, but there are certain psychological processes that lie at the root of most types of negative emotion. One of these processes is repetitive negative thought (RNT). It’s a form of thinking in which the same personally relevant negative thought enters your mind repeatedly and persists because its difficult (maybe impossible) to ignore. Ruminating about some past discouraging experience or worrying about something bad happening in the future are the two most common types of RNT. But we also see RNT in other negative emotions like regret, shame, humiliation, and resentment. In regret, we get stuck on thinking about a past choice we now discover caused an undesirable outcome. For example, we might accept what seems like an attractive job offer only to later regret leaving our old job. We might repeatedly berate ourselves by thinking, “How could I have been so stupid to accept this job offer?” Anger and resentment are other negative emotions often fueled by RNT. Here we might repeatedly think, “It’s not fair; others are getting advantages that I deserve.” This type of repetitive thinking turns us into irritated, gloomy, and bitter individuals.

Whether you are a worrier, feeling beaten down by a barrage of “what-ifs,” or a ruminator stuck on the unanswerable “why” of past experiences, repetitive negative thinking has several common features. This type of thinking is not only negative in tone and repetitive in its occurrence, but the thoughts tend to intrude into our mind and capture our attention. The thoughts seem to have a “sticky” quality; once we’re aware of the worry or rumination, for example, it seems impossible to think of anything else. We feel a loss of control over our thinking, as we keep pondering the same thing over and over. We make no progress when stuck in RNT. There is no thinking through to some solution or resolution. Instead we’re trapped in a mental loop, which feels like you’re falling deeper into the pit of distress.

In my new book, The Negative Thoughts Workbook, numerous therapeutic strategies are described that address the RNT responsible for persistent negative emotions like anxiety, depression, guilt, regret, shame, humiliation, and resentment. Although the cognitive behavioral strategies are tailored to address unique features of each type of RNT, they have in common four underlying themes.

1. Know your RNT: You can reduce the emotional sting of RNT by having a greater understanding of the core issue driving your negative thoughts. If it’s worry, what is the catastrophic outcome you fear most? In rumination, are you stuck on trying to figure out what caused a past negative experience? For shame, how are you thinking about an embarrassing situation in which you end up judging yourself harshly? A better understanding of your RNT will help you realize the exaggerated nature of this thinking style.

2. Recognize the futility of RNT: If we believe RNT is significant and useful, we’ll continue to give it our highest attention. You’ll continue to worry if you think it’s preparing you for the future, or you’ll ruminate about the past if you think it’s important to discover the real cause to an unfortunate experience. With regret, you might assume that endlessly analyzing a past bad decision might prevent you from making poor choices in the future. Reducing the impact of RNT requires that you view this type of thinking for what it is; a toxic form of mental self-flagellation that provides no solutions to life’s problems.

3. Focus on the present: With RNT, we are often stuck in a past that can’t be changed or a future that is unknowable. The remedy is to shift your focus to the present and what can be done to improve your current state of health and well-being. For example, treatment for rumination focuses on shifting from “why” something happened to “how” you can minimize the negative consequences of a past discouragement in the present. If the negative emotion is humiliation, the challenge is to shift from thinking about the abuse and degradation experienced in the past, to how you can rebuild your sense of worth and value in the present. Most treatments of the emotional disorders consider “a focus on the moment” critical for healing and wholeness. When combined with a problem-solving perspective, a present-day focus is the most effective way to release yourself from the mental trap of repetitive thinking.

4. Relinquish the uncontrollable: Often our RNT is an attempt to bring that which is beyond our control into the realm of self-control. When we worry, we’re trying to plan and predict for an unknowable future. When we ruminate, we’re trying to shrink the gap between what we wanted and what we got. And in anger and resentment, we’re trying to reconcile why someone else got an advantage we think we deserved. In each of these situations, we are struggling to acquire a level of control that is beyond our reach. Learning to accept what we cannot change and focusing on that which is within our control is a crucial discovery in finding your way out of your mind trap.

David A. Clark, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, and professor emeritus at the University of New Brunswick. He is author or coauthor of several books on depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD); and is a founding fellow and trainer consultant with the Academy of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

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Now, more than ever, teens need self-compassion.

Dealing with the fallout of COVID-19 is hard on everyone. Particularly for teens. It’s the job of teens to find their own way, to separate from their parents, to figure out who they are and how they want to be in the world. The psychologist Erik Erikson defined the teenage years as the age of identity formation—a time when teens experiment with different styles, presenting themselves in different ways to those around them. As a teen, I remember spending hours in the days before the first day of school trying to figure out just the right outfit, hairstyle, and makeup I’d wear on that first day because it was so important for other kids to know just who I was.

These days, teens don’t even know what a day in school might look like. If in school, will they be able to interact with their peers? Will there be plexiglass dividers between them and the other students in the classroom? Will they be able to chat with others at lunch the way they have in the past? Will there be sports events, school plays, band class or debate club? How do you have chorus class wearing a mask?

Working through the challenges life presents to us is where self-compassion does its magic. Self-compassion teaches us that we can be our own best friend, we can be there for ourselves when we’re sad or hurt or angry, and that we don’t really need others to feel worthy or whole. Hanging out and sharing experiences with friends is great, but when you can’t do that, you can still be okay. In a nutshell, self-compassion helps us build resilience skills to manage tough moments in our lives—like this strange time of COVID.

In numerous research studies, self-compassion has been linked with less depression, anxiety, and stress (Marsh et al., 2017). So, how can you, as an adult, help your teen be more self-compassionate?

Here are a few tips:

1. You can model being self-compassionate. Our kids—even when they’re teens—learn from us. When you burn the rice, if you exclaim, “I’m such an idiot! How can I do such a dumb thing!” your teen will pick up on this and will think, “I guess if I make a mistake, I’m an idiot also.” Self-compassion reminds us that it’s human to make mistakes. And it does this in the very moment we make the mistake. So, you can skip the nasty verbal self-flagellation. Second, self-compassion research has found that when we say kind words to ourselves, we are less likely to be depressed and anxious. So instead of the self-recrimination, you can say, “Oh geez, I burned the rice. That’s disappointing. It’s hard managing kids’ homework, a phone call, and cooking at the same time. And after a hard day at work! Maybe next time I won’t answer the phone, and just focus on the rice.” Or maybe simply saying, “Burned rice—not the end of the world!” The point is, when your teen sees you treating yourself with kindness, they’ll know that they can also do it.

2. Validate your teen’s feelings. When they say, “You don’t know what it’s like to miss out on all my high school events! I’ll never get them back!” respond with “I know you were looking forward to them. I’m so sorry you’re going to be missing them. I wish we could do something about it.” Not only will they feel heard, but you’ll be presenting an important life lesson—sometimes we can’t “fix” circumstances, as much as we’d like to. Sometimes life presents difficult situations, and the best we can do is learn how to manage them with the least amount of angst.

3. Once you validate their feelings, you can help them find a way to soothe themselves. Suggest watching a movie together, going for a walk, or kicking around a soccer ball. Maybe you can put on some fun music and dance around the kitchen.

4. If they’re open to meditation practice, you can suggest a short practice:

1. Music meditation – Teens can stretch out on a couch or bed, put on headphones, and listen to relaxing instrumental music—and really pay attention to the music. Each time their attention wanders away from the music, they can guide their attention back to the sounds of the music.

2. Movement – If they’re getting antsy or bored from being around the house, they can take a few minutes to notice how their body feels and move their body however it feels like it needs to be moved. Stretching, doing a few yoga moves, or maybe running around the house can make them feel less irritable.

3. What words would I say to a friend? Teens can think of a good friend who was struggling similarly with the COVID experience, and what they might say to them. Something simple like “Know what? This sucks. And we can’t do anything about it, so let’s just make the best of it.” And then they can say the same words to themselves, repeating them silently to themselves.

4. Sensory experience – Teens can immerse themselves by lying on their backs looking at clouds, listening to birds, or simply feeling the comfort of being curled up in their beds. Have them spend a few minutes here, letting thoughts drift away and focusing on the sensory experience—what their body actually feels like in the moment.

Although dealing with COVID-19 is challenging, it’s also an opportunity to learn resilience skills that can support you and your teen throughout your lifetimes. And what better gift could you give your child?

Karen Bluth, PhD, earned her doctoral degree in child and family studies at the University of Tennessee. She is currently research faculty in department of psychiatry, and a research fellow at the Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute. Her research focuses on the roles that mindfulness and self-compassion play in promoting well-being in teens.

The post Now, More Than Ever, Teens Need Self-Compassion appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

When a client is triggered or overwhelmed, they might have a difficult time naming their experience and remaining present in the moment. The client might be feeling unsafe, alone, as well as ashamed of their own reactions to trauma. Incorporating fictional examples into therapy can help the client to feel less alone in their experience, as well as less triggered when discussing their traumatic event. Some possible ways of incorporating fictional characters into therapy might be to ask, “Are there any superheroes or other fictional characters who might have had the same experiences you did?” Some clients might know of some fictional characters with similar types of traumatic events, while others might be able to do some research on the topic.  

Fictional characters with similar traumatic origin stories to the client can be used to build empathy and understanding toward the client’s own experience, as well as to reduce the feelings of shame and stigma when it comes to their trauma reactions. In some instances, the fictional character can even serve as a heroic role model for the client to help them cope with challenging situations. For example, the client can be instructed to consider what this fictional character might say to them in a given situation if the two were to meet in real life. By creating a positive role model for the client’s painful experience, the client might be more willing to engage in therapy-related exercises, such as exposures/committed actions.?  

Book Titles: Dark Agents, Book One

Janina Scarlet, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, an award-winning author, and a full-time geek. A Ukrainian-born refugee, she survived Chernobyl radiation and persecution. Scarlet immigrated to the United States at the age of twelve with her family, and later, inspired by the X-Men, developed Superhero Therapy to help patients with anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She has been awarded the United Nations Association Eleanor Roosevelt Human Rights Award for her book, Superhero Therapy. Her other books include Harry Potter Therapy, Therapy Quest, and Super-Women.

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We have all entered into a brave new world of masks and social distancing. And interestingly, it is finally becoming normalized to think about who we have physical contact with and if it is wanted or consented to, across the board. We are actively keeping our distance and rethinking what intimacy we have and with whom. We are having discussions and talking more openly about physical space and boundaries, which is the first step toward normalizing consent.

As the world pauses, and we have slowed down our dating lives and our social lives, we take a collective inhale breath and can reconsider how we want to reenter the world of intimacy. Right now is the exact right moment to stop and reflect on the realities of consent before diving back into the dating world in earnest.

Most of us know the basics of what consent should look like. We know we should ask for an affirmative agreement from a partner before engaging in an intimate act. But many people aren’t aware of the very important nuances that can impact our ability to ascertain true consent from a partner.

One of these factors is our ability to feel safe with a partner. This feeling of safety crosses four dimensions: physical safety, social safety, emotional safety, and of course, legal safety. A simple “yes/no” exchange does not give us the full picture of what it feels like to truly have a safe encounter with a partner with total consent.

There is also the acronym I use in the book, Real Talk About Sex and Consent, called HOT SPICE. These are aspects of consent that we all need to know and live in every intimate situation, with the same simple awareness that we now all put on masks before entering a store. The first part of the acronym, HOT, stands for Honest, Ongoing, Talked-About consent. This is where we are honest with ourselves and our partners, communicating ongoing through an interaction using both verbal words and physical body language together. And finally, SPICE, which stands for Specific, Present-Moment, Informed, Changeable, and Enthusiastically Affirmative. This means that consent is specific to the exact act in question, given in the moment by the person themselves in an informed manner of any risks or personal information that pertains to the interaction, and in a way that is enthusiastically affirmative and can be withdrawn at any moment in time for any reason.

Many people may have once said that our ability to change how we ask for and give consent in our society was something that we “just couldn’t change.” That it would be too hard to change the way an entire society thinks about sexual interaction and what is “normal.” However, just looking out your window these days at the mass changes our society is truly capable when we work together for the greater common good should tell us we are capable of anything.

Now is the time to teach our teens (and ourselves) the true meaning of consent. This book will take you through every nuance about consent that you didn’t even know you didn’t know. When social distancing is lifted and we all step back into our vibrant intimate lives in earnest, let’s step back in together with a new and totally informed perspective. Let’s make the world a better and safer place, together.

Cheryl M. Bradshaw, MA, is a registered psychotherapist working in private practice, and author of How to Like Yourself—a self-esteem guide for teens—and The Resilience Workbook for Teens. She has been featured on various television shows, radio shows, and podcasts, including Breakfast Television, Global’s The Morning Show, CBC Radio, and Today’s Parent. Her first book was also selected as a 2016 Foreword INDIES finalist for the 2016 Young Adult Nonfiction category. In addition, Cheryl received the inaugural Outstanding Alumni Award from Yorkville University in 2017. Bradshaw served as a counselor at both Sheridan College and the University of Guelph. She also has a background in teaching, and continues to work with and volunteer with schools and charities to talk about youth and young adult mental health, self-esteem, and also to support parents with their teens.

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The world around us appears to be moving through some kind of transformation. Change abounds. And wherever there is change, there is usually fear. And wherever there is fear, there is usually an effort to suppress it. Or, often, to make it go away altogether.

But that is not how fear works; we cannot make it go away. It is not designed to be wired out of our neurophysiology—that would be disastrous, as fear is a wise, discerning, and often lifesaving emotion. It is an emotion that can offer us the guidance we need to live in alignment with the truest, most authentic parts of who we are. But sometimes it is the case, like right now, that the conditions of the external environment feel so threatening and uncertain that our fear overwhelms us, and we lose our ability to use the wisdom it offers to inform our choices and light our way.

Our struggle to experience fear as guidance comes, in part, from our childhood where we are often not taught to understand and have compassion for our fear. Rather, we are told to “get over it,” or we are advised to ignore it, override it, and sometimes even, “transcend it.” Often, as children, we sit alone in our fear, with no one to comfort us and reassure us that everything will be okay. In such cases, we are left to our own devices to figure out what to do with our fear so we can successfully adapt to our environment, and feel safe and secure in our attachments to those we love and who are responsible for keeping us alive. 

Lost in this approach to fear is the opportunity to learn the valuable role fear can play in our choices. Also lost is the opportunity to become skilled at regulating our fear so that it does not overwhelm us and cloud our perception. Moreover, when fear is deemed negative, feelings of shame for the fear we are experiencing arise and become associated with the fear we are feeling. Shame and fear then become linked up and are carried into our adulthood where we often feel painfully bad about ourselves if we are feeling afraid, worried, anxious, or overwhelmed. “What’s wrong with me? Other people don’t feel anxious about these things.” This, or some version of this, is a common refrain I hear in my practice. And it is simply not true.

With the pandemic, I have, naturally, seen a heightened fear response in my patients and in my unscientific observations of the people around me; responses that often appear to be just as much about their past as they are about present reality. Even I have experienced old fear response patterns lately, reminding me of old experiences when I felt powerlessness in the face of threat; past experiences that tried to convince me that what I see happening in the present is exactly what happened in the past, so it’s time to panic because things are not going to end well. Thankfully, the insight I have gleaned from my own therapy has helped me to see that my initial reaction to the pandemic was informed by my trauma, not by the reality of what is happening in the here-and-now. This is the work I have been doing with my patients as well—honoring the natural fear reaction to the pandemic, while also helping them to see how their present fear response is also informed by their past trauma or past fear-based experiences wherein they felt powerless in the face of threat or overwhelming situations or circumstances.

The importance of acknowledging and validating your fear response and other elevated emotion states is vital. For example, the coronavirus is a very real thing; it is invisible, potentially omnipresent, and life-threatening. Fear is a natural and normal response to such a phenomenon and should be validated and held with compassion. However, at the very same time, it is important to keep in mind that your present perception is always being informed by your past experiences—old experiences of fear, uncertainty, and powerlessness that also need to be understood, validated, and held with compassion.

To know what experiences are informing your perception of present reality and influencing your emotional reactions, including your fear, can help you regulate your nervous system response to the changeability and uncertainty in the world around you. It also helps you discern the difference between present fear and past fear. But how do you do this? How do acquaint yourself with the emotional history that lives in your body and learn the ways in which it is informing your perception and, therefore, your reaction to the present moment, including your response to the pandemic?

Access to the emotional memories that carry old fear can be gained through mindful somatic awareness (MSA), a meditative practice designed to help facilitate connection to your mind-body consciousness, the place where your emotional memories are archived. To help facilitate MSA, it is helpful to use the acronym SOAR, which stands for Sense, Observe, Articulate, and Reflect. For example, to sense is to turn your attention to your somatic self and become aware of the sensations vibrating in your body. To observe is to sit in awareness of your body sensations without judging them or pushing them away. To articulate means to describe the sensations you observe. And to reflect is to sit in contemplation of your felt sense experience and explore with curiosity the messages embedded in your sensations, so you can begin to cultivate a deeper understanding of your felt sense experience.

When you SOAR in MSA, you can connect to the deeper, dynamic layers of your fear and anxiety—layers that carry the emotional resonance of your past. SOAR-ing will also help down-regulate your nervous system, mitigating any anxiety or heightened emotion you may be experiencing.

What follows is a simple exercise to get you started in the practice of MSA:

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Then, close your eyes and bring your attention to your breath, gradually expanding your attention to the rest of your body. Once you feel more body-aware, ask yourself the following questions while pausing to SOAR after each question.

• What emotion am I feeling right now?
• Why might I be feeling this way?
• How was my fear responded to when I was a child?
• When I think of feeling powerless, what is the first memory that comes to mind?
• When I think of feeling strong and in command, what is the first memory that comes to mind?
• What do I need in this moment and what can I do to meet that need?

As you answer each of these questions, you may feel frustrated with the process or overwhelmed by the surge of emotion that comes up. These are normal reactions when you first engage this exercise. Should this happen, simply be patient and allow what is to come through. Believe it or not, honoring and validating your emotional experience facilitates a mysterious alchemy that transmutes fear and anxiety into deeper understanding of what you are feeling and why. It also invites a quiet acceptance of your emotional response and a felt sense knowing of what your mind-body needs to help reassure your heart.

Michele L. Blume, PsyD, SEP, is a licensed clinical psychologist, somatic experiencing practitioner (SEP), and certified Reiki practitioner. Her work focuses on mind-body integration to heal developmental trauma, and to restore and deepen one’s sense of self.

The post Understanding Your Fear through Mindful Somatic Awareness appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Getting creative with exposures for our patients who present with a range of anxiety, panic, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and related disorders has always been important. Exposures that are creative tend to be tailored to your specific patient; make the session more enjoyable (for both kids and adults); and can really help you, as the therapist, target the patient’s core fear. Now, more than ever, we have to get creative as the majority of us are doing therapy online. Many of our go-to exposures that were once conducted in our offices simply cannot be done in the same way. This might be for safety reasons (probably not the best time to ask patients to touch door knobs and then their face and mouth), not having in-person sessions (how the heck do you design exposure for patients who are behind a screen and in a location you are unfamiliar with?), and not having access to public places where we would once take our patients (or encourage them to go for homework) to help them face their fears.

So, in the age of telehealth sessions, mask wearing, hand sanitizer, washing, and social distancing, what is an exposure therapist to do? Get (even more!) creative. You might be surprised to hear that you can still do the exposures you used to do, but with a little modification (and hopefully not too much hand sanitizer, sigh).  

In fact, you may quickly come to learn that there are some really cool benefits to conducting exposure via Zoom (or any other platform of your choosing). When you are virtually entering into a patient’s home, the opportunities for exposure are endless. But you aren’t restricted to just the patient’s home. Consider asking the patient to venture outside of the home during your session, too. A walk for someone with agoraphobia (hold the safety behaviors, please). Interoceptive exposure exercises (e.g., hyperventilating on purpose, running in place, spinning, etc.) outside in the warmer weather for added intensity. Purposely fumbling over words during a drive-thru order or going through the same drive-thru multiple times in a row for social anxiety fears.

For those who have done out-of-office exposures before with patients, you know the challenges of having to schedule driving time to and from the location and making sure you can get back in time for your next therapy session. Now, we can have patients do exposure from different locations in the same day while you stay in your same office chair and are ready (and on time) for your next appointment.

So, how do you modify exposures during this time? Engage the patient. Ask, “Do you have an idea for exposure that would be most helpful for me to do with you in or near your home? I’d be really curious to hear your ideas.” Patients usually have a really good idea of what they would most benefit from and how you could help. They don’t necessarily need to design the exposure (this may be for more advanced patients), but can offer you suggestions of areas that are challenging for them. Use the patient’s space. Say, “We’ve been working on your urges to refrain from ordering/arranging items, so why don’t you ‘take me with you’ to your bookshelf so we can do an exposure where we put books out of order. Or consider, “We’ve been working on fighting your urges to engage in ritualistic behaviors with the stove, locks, and faucets. Where could we go in your house today to start doing exposure?” Prior to the pandemic, these types of exposures might have been assigned for homework, but now we can do it in real time with our patients in their own space. Make good use of the internet. Conduct Google searches with your patient. This can work if you are using a screen-sharing feature in your telehealth call or you can have the patient do the search while talking to you about what shows up. As an example, for the patient with a snake phobia, you may say, “Let’s start by having you search for pictures of cute snakes, then poisonous snakes, deadly snake accidents, etc.” You can then talk about what the patient sees as well as get the patient to describe the snakes in detail. You can have the patient read or listen to an imaginal exposure script while looking at pictures of snakes. Don’t forget to incorporate video clips from YouTube about snakes as well. 

So, until we can be back in the office and back to our normal routines (and maybe you will decide to continue with teletherapy for the long term), think about how you can get (even more!) creative with your exposures. 

Kristen S. Springer, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in the greater Boston, MA, area. She earned her doctoral degree from the University of Florida; and completed her postdoctoral clinical and research training at the Anxiety Disorders Center, and the Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy at the Hartford Hospital Institute of Living in Hartford, CT. She continued working at the Anxiety Disorders Center as a staff psychologist before opening her private practice, where she specializes in the assessment and treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety disorders in adolescents and adults. Springer has authored several book chapters and scientific journal articles in the fields of anxiety, hoarding, OCD, and chronic pain.

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It’s important for clients to see the connection between difficult emotions and behavior. When anxiety, sadness, and anger consistently lead to avoidance, passivity, or explosive outbursts, it’s helpful to work on paying more attention to emotions, responding with acceptance, and making value-driven rather than emotional choices.  

But emotions are complicated. In emotionally charged situations, we might be aware of our physical reactions, thoughts, impulses, or the emotional labels we use, but noticing all elements of emotions, and the interplay among them, takes practice. 

The acronym STUF is useful for helping clients improve their ability to recognize the four parts of difficult emotions: 

• Sensations (muscular tension, rapid heart rate, heaviness in limbs, sweating, shaking, numbness) 
• Thoughts (“Something awful will happen,” “I can’t do anything right,” “My boss is a selfish jerk”) 
• Urges (worry, criticize self, leave the situation, take a midday nap, drink alcohol, do something to reduce the intensity of the emotion, yell at someone) 
• Feeling labels (panicked, freaked out, stressed, sad, miserable, frustrated, irritable, angry) 

When clients describe a recent setback, it’s valuable to think together about their emotional response—their STUF—and write down the four parts of the emotion, their behavioral response to it, and the impact of the choice. You can also consider collaboratively the aspects of STUF to notice in the future, and the choices they’d prefer to make. 

Joel Minden, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) for anxiety. He is a diplomate of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy; adjunct professor in the department of psychology at California State University, Chico; and author of the blog, CBT and Me, on www.psychologytoday.com.

The post Responding to Difficult Emotions: What to Do with Your STUF appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Growing up, I had always longed for a sense of home. Not just a place to live, but more of a place in which I could be safe, loved, and accepted. I was always a shy, awkward kid, who always felt at least ten years older than I actually was, which made making friends with kids my age very challenging.

Before I reached my third birthday, there was a massive explosion a few towns away from where I lived, at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. As a result, I spent most of my childhood being in and out of hospitals being treated for acute radiation syndrome, which destroyed my immune system. I also spent a lot of times indoors, unable to be around people, often not being able to go to school, sometimes for weeks at a time due to my worsening symptoms.

I remember feeling the excruciating pain of loneliness at the core of my stomach, sometimes wanting to scream, but only being able to silently cry in my room. I remember wishing that I could have friends that supported me. I sometimes wished that I could design a robotic friend: one who would understand me and would always be able to say the kindest, most compassionate things that I needed to hear. That’s when the idea of Cassie first came to me. Although her design evolved over time, what I always envisioned was that Cassie would function as a kind of a supportive and friendly robot (or AI), one who can be someone’s best friend but also a guide, both navigational and emotional. With a Cassie, I reasoned, no one would ever be lonely again.

I was seven when the violence started. Growing up in a city that was occupied and burned down during WWII by the Nazis, I was not unfamiliar with anti-Semitism. However, I did not think that I would ever see its horrors outside of the city museums and memorials.

My family and I were targeted. One of my family members was killed, but the nightmares started way before that. As a child, I used to think that I was afraid of the dark, that I was afraid of some kind of supernatural monster. What I was actually afraid of was facing the reality of my trauma.

As a child, I did not have the words or the pictures to describe what had happened to me. I longed for connection and understanding but did not know how to find it. And so, as an adult, I put together a series of graphic novels to illustrate what different mental health struggles can look like. The intention of these books is to show what trauma can look like, as well as what racism and prejudice can look like through the metaphor of witch burning. And I also wanted to show the incredibly healing effects of support and friendship.

And so, in the first installment of Dark Agents, we learn about Violet, a witch with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), whose mother was killed for being a witch and whose father was killed for being a “witch-lover.” Much like so many children at the age of the global pandemic, Violet is not allowed to leave the house in order to keep safe. In addition, she is stuck with the pain of her unprocessed trauma. For many years, Cassie—her AI—is her only friend.

When Violet joins Hades’ Underworld Intelligence Agency (UIA) in order to fight supernatural monsters, she has to come face to face with her traumatic past. In order to be able to complete her training at the UIA, Violet and her classmates must all learn psychological flexibility skills from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), such as mindfulness (seen in the first book). Throughout the series, Violet and her friends will learn other ACT skills, such as defusion, core values, acceptance, etc. Each book is written from a different character’s point of view, allowing the reader to connect and empathize with that character’s struggle with a mental health experience.

I wrote this series because the kid in me really needed books like these back then to know that I was not alone, to know that someone understood, to know that things will be okay in the end, and to learn how to face what I was going through. I wanted to do it in the medium that kids could relate to—a graphic novel, in which the facial expressions of grief and trauma can speak louder than any descriptive narratives that one could write. The book’s illustrator, Vince Alvendia, spent over a year ensuring that each facial expression was accurate to illustrate each character’s emotion and mental health experience.

Over the past six months, I have been hearing from numerous parents of children and teens, stating that the book has helped them to face their own internal monsters, especially the monsters of trauma after being bullied, assaulted, or abused. My goal is to create an environment in which any kid, teen, or adult would feel safe and welcomed; a place in which they can be themselves, a place in which they will not have to be alone. And as you read it, I hope that you might rediscover the magic within yourself that has always been there. I hope that in the series, you might find your voice, as well as your allies and mentors. I hope that in the series, you might find healing. In short, welcome home.

Janina Scarlet, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, an award-winning author, and a full-time geek. A Ukrainian-born refugee, she survived Chernobyl radiation and persecution. Scarlet immigrated to the United States at the age of twelve with her family, and later, inspired by the X-Men, developed Superhero Therapy to help patients with anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She has been awarded the United Nations Association Eleanor Roosevelt Human Rights Award for her book, Superhero Therapy. Her other books include Harry Potter Therapy, Therapy Quest, and Super-Women.

The post Dark Agents, Book One: A Graphic Novel to Teach Kids and Teens about PTSD appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

In a pandemic and during a time of political turmoil, our well-being faces real threats To protect our mental health, we might try to meditate and reach out to our loved ones regularly; we should definitely be sure to eat well and get enough sleep.

But there’s one key to well-being that gets complicated in hard times: Gratitude, the reverence we feel for things that are given to us. “In gratitude, we realize how much we need each other to provide and secure for us things that we cannot provide and secure for ourselves,” writes pioneering gratitude researcher Robert Emmons in our new book, The Gratitude Project.

These are trying times when people are really suffering physically or economically, and when there is real political strife. That’s a complex backdrop for gratitude. During the pandemic, people worldwide have been moved to express thanks to essential workers, sending messages, making signs, and delivering food. But other forms of gratitude feel harder. Appreciating what we have in our own lives right now—or “looking on the bright side”—can seem misguided (if we have lost jobs or people), distracting, delusional, or even offensive and privileged.

In the midst of a crisis as all-encompassing as COVID-19 or as historically evocative as the Black Lives Matter protests, is there room for a way of thinking and feeling that highlights the gifts of life? New scientific studies suggest so, but it might take a bit of effort.

Sometimes, a wave of gratitude washes over us spontaneously, in a moment of peace when the family is all together and no one is bickering, or out on a picnic with friends or a hike on a beautiful day. Other times, gratitude might come packaged with guilt: “Gosh, no one I know has died, I didn’t lose my job, I have a comfortable home—so what if my summer plans got canceled? I should feel thankful.”

But gratitude doesn’t mean you float through life in a state of bliss, marveling at the awe-inducing beauty of the sky each time you head out for groceries. Sometimes, gratitude is a bit more like your at-home workout: It’s good for you and will pay off in the long run, but it might require some begrudging effort today. It’s when you don’t want to get out of bed that you could use the workout most, and you might need to need to give yourself an extra push.

When it comes to gratitude, that means pointing your thoughts toward the good things, even when they seem meaningless and outweighed by all the bad. It might mean taking a few minutes—maybe at the beginning or the end of your day—to write down a list of what went well the previous day. Or sending a thank-you message to someone who brought you cookies, watched your kids, or made you laugh. 

When you’re locked down or quarantined or physically distanced, it’s the small things that might matter most: a meal, a nap, a hug, a neighbor who looks after your pets. Reflecting on them gives your brain a break and a different focus—and that’s what makes the difference to your happiness.

“It is precisely under crisis conditions when we have the most to gain by a grateful perspective on life,” writes Robert Emmons in The Gratitude Project. “In the face of demoralization, gratitude has the power to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has the power to bring hope.”

In other words, those moments of gratitude give us fuel to get through all the other moments in between.

In one study described in our new book, researchers found that people with chronic disease who kept a gratitude journal experienced positive emotions more and negative emotions less, connected better with others, improved their sleep, and felt more optimistic about the week ahead and more satisfied with their lives.

Another study done in the weeks after 9/11 found that resilient people were less depressed because they were able to experience positive emotions like love and gratitude. When we feel gratitude, areas of the brain light up that are involved with how we regulate emotions and relieve stress, and our brains get a deeper sense of reward from generosity—all qualities that are helpful today.

If that all isn’t enough, practicing gratitude might also help you stay healthy.

“Feeling grateful and recognizing help from others creates a more relaxed body state and allows the subsequent benefits of lowered stress to wash over us,” writes neuroscientist Glenn Fox in The Gratitude Project.

Gratitude can be a choice, but it’s yours to make. No one (yourself included) should be telling you that you must feel grateful. And how often you practice gratitude is up to you, just like exercise. Some days, the effort it takes might be more than you can muster. But as reluctant exercisers know, it usually feels so much better afterward, even when you thought it wouldn’t.

The research described in The Gratitude Project shows that it gets easier and easier over time. You start to pay more attention to good things, to notice them and absorb them into your brain, bit by bit. Those moments of spontaneous gratitude can start to become a regular part of your life—one that lasts far beyond the pandemic. If you can feel grateful during a time like this one, then you’ll always be able to see the good things in your life.

Editor Jeremy Adam Smith edits the Greater Good Science Center’s online magazine, Greater Good. He is author of The Daddy Shift, and coeditor of three anthologies. His coverage of racial and economic segregation in San Francisco, CA, schools has won numerous honors, including the Sigma Delta Chi Award for investigative reporting; and he is a three-time winner of the John Swett Award from the California Teachers Association.

Smith’s articles and essays have appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle, Scientific American, Utne Reader, The Nation, Mindful, Wired, and many other periodicals, websites, and books. Jeremy has also been interviewed by The Today Show, The New York Times, USA TODAY, Working Mother, Nightline, ABC News, NBC News, The Globe and Mail, and numerous NPR shows about parenting and education. Before joining the Greater Good Science Center, Jeremy was a 2010–2011 John S. Knight Journalism Fellow at Stanford University.

Editor Kira M. Newman is managing editor of Greater Good magazine, and a former course assistant for The Science of Happiness online course on edX. Her work has been published in a variety of outlets, including The Washington Post, HuffPost, Social Media Monthly, and Mindful magazine. She has created large communities around the science of happiness, including the online course, The Year of Happy; and the CaféHappy meetup in Toronto, ON, Canada. Previously, she was a technology journalist and editor for Tech.Co.

Editor Jason Marsh is founding editor in chief of Greater Good magazine, and the Greater Good Science Center’s director of programs. He is also coeditor of two anthologies of Greater Good articles: The Compassionate Instinct and Are We Born Racist?. His writing has also appeared in The Wall Street Journal, the San Francisco Chronicle, and Utne Reader, among other publications, and he writes regularly for the opinion section of www.cnn.com.

Editor Dacher Keltner, PhD, is founding director of the Greater Good Science Center, and professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. He is author of The Power Paradox and Born to Be Good, and coeditor of The Compassionate Instinct.

The post Why Is Gratitude So Hard during the Pandemic? appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

The irony of the self-esteem movement, which has focused for decades on improving self-esteem, is that the evidence suggests that efforts to improve self-esteem don’t work. A famous review of over 20,000 self-esteem studies concluded that boosting self-esteem does not cause any demonstrable benefits (Baumeister et al 2003). Yikes! In fact, some really unhelpful outcomes were also found. Inflated self-esteem has been linked with unhelpful individualism, narcissism, and reduced cooperation with others.

It turns out that the way forward might be in the last place you would expect it to be—working on accepting who you are, rather than striving to be different. This is often referred to as self-acceptance. Accepting ourselves can feel counterintuitive in Western culture, which frequently equates ‘better’ with ‘more’ and can lead to a never-ending quest for improvements. Often, relentless betterment is based on underlying self-stories such as “I am not enough” (and all of the variants, such as “failure,” “fraud,” “weak,” “damaged,” etc.). These stories place us in a position of being ‘less than’ others, and therefore the notion of ‘improvements’ can quickly turn toxic, amidst a rating game, where we almost always compare ourselves unfavorably. Alternatively, when we can learn to make space for our flaws, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, we get to see that all these are simply part of being human, and that none of them are the enemy, or anything to run away from. In fact, these things we carry with us are what allow us to connect with our common humanity. Rather than excluding us, they are in fact our ticket into the human race—in a genuine, authentic way. Ask yourself: what kind of person are you most drawn to? Is it someone who only ever lets you see how perfect they are, or someone who is willing to be more vulnerable and let you see the whole of them? You might also ask yourself how you would like to be around others.

From this perspective, it’s not actually our self-stories themselves that are problematic. It’s our relationship with them that is key. When we let them call the shots and tell us what we can and can’t do in life, we will inevitably be limited. We like to use the metaphor of a self-esteem monster to illustrate this. It’s like our monster knows us inside and out and only lets us do the things that it wants us to do—things that are comfortable and not very risky. There are elements to this relationship that are cozy: along with being big and strong, the monster is also soft and cuddly at times. It’s just that it can stop us from stepping out of our comfort zone and into life.

The trick is learning to establish a better relationship with your self-esteem monster. Doing this allows you to disentangle from your past, move towards genuine self-acceptance, and realize your full potential.

Here are our top tips to begin this process:

1. Find a way to learn how your past history affected you and continues to affect you today. Learn to see how this influenced the story you tell yourself of who you are and work to hold this story lightly. Therapy is one way to do this, but reading good books or talking with understanding friends also helps. Without a clear understanding of how your self-esteem monster operates, it can be tricky to make lasting changes.

2. Develop practical strategies to work with your self-esteem monster. Notice the patterns as it emerges. See how it wants to treat you and your most vulnerable feelings. Observe how it wants to hold you back in life from being the kind of person you want to be. Create space in your day to slow down. Practicing mindfulness is one way, but there are many methods to cultivate a space to accept your experiences without judgement.

3. Learn how to listen carefully and deeply to what really matters to you in life. Don’t rush this process and be prepared to be surprised by the answers. Build a community around you who will support you in this process. Take your monster by the hand as you step through the door and into a life that you truly, deeply care about.

Joe Oliver, PhD, is founder of Contextual Consulting, and works as a consultant clinical psychologist and director of the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for psychosis postgraduate diploma program at University College London. He regularly delivers ACT trainings in the UK and internationally.

Richard Bennett, ClinPsyD, is a clinical psychologist and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist. He leads the postgraduate diploma program in CBT at the University of Birmingham, and runs a psychotherapy practice in the UK.

The post Everything You Know About Self-Esteem is Wrong: 3 Ways to Build a Healthier Relationship with Yourself appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.