Are you tired of having those long-winded, intense fights late at night that get you nowhere? Or are you ready for your partner to stop walking out on you in mid-fight? We get it. Those moments are brutal and need to be prevented. If you think of a baby mobile, if you pull on one end, the entire thing moves. This is the same for conflict. If you react differently in conversations, the more likely it is for your partner to respond differently.  

The New Year is a time to start fresh and contemplate your intentions for the year ahead. Why not do the same for your relationship? Consider us your relationship experts using emotionally focused therapy strategies to help you and your partner set up a harmonious year ahead! Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) is important to turn to when needing relationship advice because 90 percent of the couples who try it have success with it (Seiter, 2021). As couples therapists, we like those odds! 

It’s common to want to resolve conflict when it happens, but why not try and prevent it from coming up in the first place? Here are our top three tips that can lead to less conflict and more balance in your relationship in 2024.  

1. Know your negative cycle, and catch it before it takes over!  

In EFT, we call your cycle your back-and-forth set of behavioral and emotional reactions you have with your partner. You know that feeling you get when your partner makes one move at the beginning of a disagreement, and you go, “Here we go again…” That’s the signal of the start of your negative cycle! Maybe you make a comment, your partner makes a defensive comment back, and then you feel hurt and lash out more, so they feel hurt and try to walk away. Ugh. It’s painful! Most of the couples that we work with can predict the exact behaviors of what each of them will do in an argument, move by move. Knowing your cycle is one of the most important steps of stage one of EFT couples therapy.  

Try writing down your cycle in the format of, “The more you ___, the more I ___.” Watch what happens! Try coming up with a name for your cycle: “the tornado,” “the spiral,” etc. Be creative! Now, the next time you begin to notice that first move of your negative cycle and can feel it starting up again, practice stopping your cycle. You can say to your partner, “The tornado is here!” and both you and your partner agree to not let it tear your connection apart. Press pause and have the conversation in a new way.  

2. Keep your side of the street clean: Starting and maintaining calm waters. 

As mentioned above, the negative cycle is what starts and ends conflict. The initial, first interaction is what can either ignite or prevent a fight. Consider two cars moving along a road, each with its designated lane. Just as cars avoid straying into each other’s lanes for a smooth journey, couples are the same. Couples need to maintain their side of the street, uphold their responsibilities, and ensure they contribute to the relationship healthily and positively.  

Now that you know the negative pattern of your cycle from step one above, try and pause before you even reach out to your partner. How you handle the moment of initiation is the most influential part of preventing fights. Your major goal is to make conversations safe. Start the conversation with calmness, respect, and ownership. Breathe deeply, and don’t get caught in the reactions you typically would in your cycle. Fight the urge to react in the blame/defend/explain/question stance, and instead do something different.  

There are many ways to incorporate trying something different to keep and maintain calm waters before your cycle even begins. For example, be sensitive to when you start a conversation: “Is okay for us to talk, or would another time work better?” Or you can let your partner know when you need something different: “How you feel is important to me, but yelling isn’t working for me. Let me know when you are calm so we can continue.” Or do a check-in with your partner, “Does this feel okay? Is this overwhelming? I want to go as slow as we need to go and pause if it is getting to be too much.”   

3. Make sure you A.R.E. there for your partner!   

When conversations happen, you and your partner are taking a courageous leap of vulnerability, and it is critical to show up for one another in a noncombative way. 

Sue Johnson is the creator of EFT, and she has identified a key ingredient to long-lasting love and connection in relationships: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement (A.R.E.). She has couples ask each other this pivotal question: A.R.E. you there for me? 

There are two sides to a coin, and both relationship experiences matter. Being A.R.E. with your partner shows them you are accessible when they need you, and you’ve always got their back. Press the pause button to allow space for your partner to talk, track what they are saying, and show that what they say matters. Respond when they share, through the good and the bad. Be engaged with them—responding, connecting, and expressing when they are communicating verbally and nonverbally with you (sending a message of what you experienced matters to me).  

If you’re exhausted from the constant conflicts, implementing proactive strategies to create a sense of security is key. As we step into 2024, focus on your reactions, and find new ways to show up with one another that prevent your partner from having to be reactive to you (think of that baby mobile from earlier)! Here’s to a year of growth, connection, and a renewed commitment to building lasting and resilient relationships.  

Seiter, T. 2021. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202101/the-most-effective-couples-therapy-by-far 

Jacqueline Wielick, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of her own private practice, Therapy by Jackie. She has a master of science in marriage and family therapy, and degrees in both psychology and sociology. With a focus on couples, relationships, attachment, trauma, and emotions, Jackie’s passion is helping people find deep joy in themselves and in their relationships using her advanced training in research-based theories such as EFT and Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Jackie previously worked at The Gottman Institute for five years, one of the world’s leading research institutes for couples and relationships, where she was exposed to their revolutionary research on love and relationships. Learn more at www.jackiewielick.com.

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In a recent conversation with a colleague, we discussed the way in which a broken relationship had caused them overwhelming distress, and that they carried a deep burden of mistrust toward themselves and their ability to trust their judgment about relationships. 

This colleague, however, was engaged in health care and giving support to others, and their inner burden was not apparent to those they helped with a high degree of effectiveness. The clash of this outer responsibility and inner turmoil was almost overwhelming them. And a highly critical inner voice kept taunting them. Physician, heal thyself! 

These words are an ancient challenge meant as an insult to one who was purported to have healing powers. It is an insult that many in the healing professions secretly express to themselves, given the pressures they face in their professional and personal lives. And given the high stakes and risks that are inherent in the provision of health care, this insulting self-talk was a deep distraction—undermining their sense of confidence in the ability to make good health care decisions. 

Yet this is, as many insults are, based on a truth. At its core is the truth, that whatever medicine, surgery, or other marvel is used to start the process of healing—any of those things at best are helpers to the natural processes of healing that already exist within us. Our sense of pain is a natural prompt for the body to heal. So yes, we do heal ourselves. We are all our own physicians, both in body and mind. 

When we experience pain, it is an indicator of what we need to attend to, so we can heal. As for our body, so for our mind. Our emotional pain is a pointer toward our need for healing. And in this healing, we can discover a pathway to our purpose.    

For my colleague, their mistrust of themselves was causing them deep pain, and their awareness of this opened them to a pathway to healing. 

They were able to uncover a story about themselves—a story that they were a person who was weak and unable to make good decisions about relationships. 

When asked whether they would make the same judgment of a good friend if they had a breakup, my colleague saw themselves and their experience from a different perspective. 

When asked what had changed when a different perspective was held, it showed their values about healing also applied to themselves as it would be for a good friend. This value of healing revealed a pathway toward taking steps to recover from heartbreak and distress and to rebuild trust in themselves. 

They allowed themselves to explore ways to follow this pathway with openness, interest, and curiosity. One way they enjoyed was to journal their internal dialogue and consider what was said from various perspectives. Each perspective gave a different point of view and sometimes meaning to a thought, emotion, or event. Another was to give the harsh internal criticisms a funny voice. This gave a comic dimension to what the internal critic had to say, and they wondered how they could have previously taken such criticism so seriously. Another was to consider whether they would consider this internal criticism good advice if they were ten years older. Each way had its own healing purpose and allowed them to get more agile with their emotional playbook. 

Having done this work, my colleague realized it was time to forgive themself not only for the breakdown in that important relationship, but more importantly, to forgive themselves for how they had treated themselves since that time. They realized self-forgiveness was much harder than forgiving others as in the case of our internal critic we live with 24-7—often with three o’clock in the morning being the worst time. However, having made a lot of effort to engage in their internal healing, they knew it was time to forgive themselves. 

After a time, they realized how much had been given up over the period of grief and self-punishment, and made a decision to start reengaging with life and the chance to explore new relationships. Having learned so much about themselves and having used a variety of techniques that allowed for a respectful internal dialogue, they commenced to engage in the trial and error of seeking new experiences with care and insight. 

They found a new, enriching relationship—and in the new relationship, many reminders came up of previous challenges and let downs, hurts and recovery. Each reminder was a chance to apply the skills of self-forgiveness with compassionate introspection. 

They learned that in both their personal and professional life, the skills of self-forgiveness were an essential guide on the pathway to healing in response to pain. 

This journey has ultimately been one of growth and increased satisfaction in their life and their capacity to create new opportunities to live the life they want to live—and to help others to live their best lives. 

Grant Dewar, PhD, is a Life Educator, work health and safety adviser, and trainer from Adelaide, South Australia. After losing his father to suicide, Dewar embarked on a life journey to seek better responses and solutions to the devastating effects of self-harm on individuals and the community. Work in the community, public service, and later in life as a health professional has helped him to develop, research, and apply his work on self-forgiveness.

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These days, African American men, women, and children are mistreated and sometimes killed for doing normal things that white people do or could do without a second thought or consequence. In this reality, it is very hard not to feel disgusted, worried, and powerless.

We all witnessed the murder of forty-six-year-old George Floyd as a police officer forced him to the ground, handcuffed him, and kneeled on his neck while he pleaded for help for nearly ten minutes. We have yet to see justice for twenty-six-year-old Breonna Taylor who was killed when police entered her home while she was asleep in bed. The police weren’t supposed to be there and entered the wrong home, but there were no charges for her shooting death. Trayvon Martin walked through a middle-class neighborhood on his way home. He had purchased a bag of Skittles from a nearby store. He did not make it home that night. Instead, he was killed by a neighborhood watchman who had been told to stay in his car and not approach Trayvon. How many times did you watch the video or listen to Diamond Reynolds as she kept her composure while pleading with the police officer, who shot her boyfriend, to tell her that her boyfriend wasn’t dead? My own heart broke even more for her daughter who sat still in the back of the car. You never heard the child scream or cry. At some point, she told her mother, “It’s okay. I’m right here with you.” These stories go on and on because police kill Black people on 300 out of 365 days each year.

There is a sickness in our society that has given you plenty of reason to have low Psychological Fortitude (PF). When the video of George Floyd’s death played over and over in the news, you may have felt keyed up, angry, and at times, sick. As time passed, you may have become emotionally numb to police violence, but when you were subjected to the court trial and the testimony of the bystanders, you relived much of the same intense emotions. Clinically, experts say that your emotional response should be in proportion to the stressful situation. I acknowledge that it isn’t so straightforward and not very easy to explain, but while the threats in our society that make you worry are real, there are ways to cope that can be helpful. You can follow these five steps.

Undoing Racism’s Negative Effect on Your PF

Step 1. Identify the racial situation that is undermining your psychological fortitude.

Step 2. Let it out. Take time to write down your thoughts and feelings about this situation. Otherwise, the thoughts replay in your mind and can intensify.

Step 3. Identify your pain. Ask yourself, “What about all of this is most upsetting to me?” Maybe your heart hurts for the murdered young person’s mother. Perhaps you wonder if things will ever get better.

Step 4. Consider your exposure. If the situation you are upset about is in the news, you may have to begin by limiting your exposure to social media, where the outrageous scene plays over and over. Though it is good to be informed, think about what is in your control and how exposure to senseless violence undercuts your PF. Research shows that Black people report poorer emotional health for one to two months following the police shooting of an unarmed Black person.1

Social media seems to contribute to vicarious trauma. There is research that shows that African Americans have been experiencing trauma-related anxiety in response to chronic media exposure to violent deaths of African Americans. In any one of these unarmed-shooting incidents, we can imagine someone close to us who could be targeted. Each time you hear of another unnecessary murder of an unarmed person, you feel anger and a sense of helplessness. You may internalize the message that people like you do not matter. You may be saddened or enraged. In any case, these are all reactions to an awful and pervasive problem in our society—a problem that has meaningful psychological consequences.

Step 5. Process the pain with action. Join or start an advocacy group that challenges the use of force in policing or join a larger group, such as Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. This was one step taken by Lucy McBath, the mother of Jordan Davis, who was killed because he was enjoying loud music with his friends. Mrs. McBath is now a United States congresswoman.

The thing about anxiety is that the actual cause of the anxiety does not matter. What matters is what you do in response to your fear and how you manage your worry.

1. Bor, J., A. S. Venkataramani, D. R. Williams, and A. C. Tsai. 2018. “Police Killings and Their Spillover Effects on the Mental Health of Black Americans: A Population-Based, Quasi-Experimental Study.” The Lancet 392, no. 10144: 302–310

Rheeda Walker, PhD, is an award-winning professor of psychology at the University of Houston, and author of the self-help phenomenon, The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health. She is a behavioral science researcher, licensed clinical psychologist, and has published more than sixty scientific papers on African American adult mental health from a culturally meaningful perspective, suicide risk, and psychological resilience. Walker is a fellow in the American Psychological Association, the leading scientific and professional organization of psychologists in the US.

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We have all heard the advice: taking things less personally will bring more internal peace. You get reactive in sticky communication with folks you care about, so just stop taking things so personally. Of course, those folks might be onto something, but how do you do that?

Also, you are a kind person. You do not want to turn into an unfeeling, cold, walled-off person. Is it possible to take things less personally and also stay connected and kind with folks around you? Yes, but you are going to need to start working with your brain in a new way to get there.

Your brain scans for potential physical and emotional danger four times per second. If your brain detects something that could be dangerous or stressful, then it calls on earlier learning about how you got through similar situations in the past. This is what is happening inside when people say you are being “reactive.” This happens fast, so none of this is going to feel like a thought or conscious decision. You can call up a recent time when someone said something that hit you in a hurtful way. Did you pause and think: what did they mean, was that meant to be hurtful, were they trying to insult me? Of course not. It hit your heart and then you did the thing you do next. Some of us yell, some of us wall off, some of us placate or people-please or fawn. Whatever you do, I promise it makes sense. That behavior worked for you at some point in the past. Yes, even if it comes with a big cost or makes no sense to you now.

If you are going to stop taking things personally, you are going to need to add some protection between you and the other person. That added protection will have the four-times-per-second scan detect threat less frequently because you are not in threat—you are protected enough.

That brings us to the mentalization neural network. This is a system in your brain that makes guesses about what is happening in the minds of other people. If that network (which has super-speedy processing) can know that protection between you and other people’s thoughts and feelings is real, then those heart and belly punches that come when:

· others think something about you that you know is a misunderstanding;

· others are feeling unpleasant feelings toward you;

· you share news that disappoints someone;

will soften a ton.

The only thing is that the mentalization neural network listens to your belly and heart area, and speaks in image or gesture. So, if you want to embed the sense of protection in that fast-processing mentalization neural network, then you will have to listen to your center and work with an image or small gesture.

I love that the brain changes with practice. You can use that fact to support you as you use this simple practice. Try on this thought: “When that person is communicating to me about me, they are mostly talking about themselves and letting me know a ton about what is happening with them. We do not have to agree for me to care about them.” Does that feel even a little bit plausible to you? If so, then ask yourself something a little strange: “Can you show me an image that can remind me it’s a lot about them, not me?”

Once you have your image, check it out by thinking back to a moment in which you took something personally, then relive that moment a bit in your mind, but this time float that image between you and another person. What happened?

If that moment feels a little less bad and you still feel kind and respectful toward the other person, then that image is going to serve you well for now (it might transform later) so go ahead and start practicing. Float that image between you and the world as often as you can remember to do it, and in about three weeks you will have honed a brand-new neural network that knows that it’s okay not to take it all in personally.

If you are one of the many who tries this and no image comes, or the thing doesn’t work as well as you are hoping, I have two thoughts for you that I hope you will take in. One: there is nothing wrong with you. And two: that’s a great indication that this is hard because somewhere along the way you were taught to take things very personally and maybe even take care of others’ feelings rather than gently connect to their feelings. This could mean that taking a deeper dive into inner boundary work (which is what we have been doing here) will support you best, and your image will come to you as you are ready.

No matter where you are in your journey, inner boundary work is tough. Be patient and kind with yourself as you support your growth.

Juliane Taylor Shore, LMFT, is a clinician, storyteller, and teacher of interpersonal neurobiology who lives with her husband, daughter, and dog in the hill country on the outskirts of Austin, TX. Shore specializes in trauma recovery and relational healing for individual adults and romantic partnerships, and also spends much of her time teaching therapists internationally. When she is not working, she is usually playing with her family, reading poetry, and making random art projects for fun.

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Sometimes people become overly sensitive to body sensations and interpret every single one as meaning something, when that’s just not the case. Not every physical sensation is linked with our minds. Our bodies are constantly working, and sometimes that work can create sensations. And these sensations have absolutely nothing to do with our emotions, thoughts, or situations. You might be wondering what the harm is in being tuned into every sensation you experience. The answer is that when we’re so focused on our inner world, whether it’s physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts, we’re missing out on our external world. We’re missing out on experiences and relationships; we’re missing out on participating in life. How do you know if this is you? How do you know if you’re overly focused on physical sensations? Consider these questions:

• Do you find yourself constantly aware of what you’re feeling physically?

• Do you experience a lot of minor or vague health issues like mild stomachaches or headaches, body aches, or muscle pains?

• Do people point out to you that you complain about body aches and pains a lot?

• Do you find that you miss out on things because of undiagnosed physical complaints?

If you found yourself answering yes to many of the above questions, the good news is that you’re super in tune with your body. You feel physical sensations easily and that’s great! The not-so-great news is that you might be giving too much weight to these physical sensations and allowing them to have too much power over you. Well, you might be using them as the complete picture, rather than just one point that makes up the picture.

You want to give the physical sensations the same value as other data points such as your feelings, thoughts, and the context. You don’t want to give your physical sensations more value than any other data point. If you’re someone who notices everything going on inside, you might find that your emotions are harder to tolerate. Let’s consider this for a moment. Suppose that you notice fatigue, low energy, and a headache as you’re getting ready for the day. You interpret these physical feelings as meaning you’re depressed. Now you start thinking negative thoughts like, Today’s going to be so hard, and I have no motivation and so much to do. Your depression now feels even heavier and harder to manage, so you decide to call in sick to work and get back into bed.

Your physical sensations determined how you felt and, because you focused so much on these sensations, your emotions felt too hard to manage. It can be tricky to know when to pay attention to physical sensations and when to dismiss them, but just like everything else, it’s a learning process. As you learn how to tune into your body, practice letting go of the sensations that don’t provide much value. Make that your practice so you’re not focusing on the smaller ones.

If you find that you rate every physical sensation high and that most sensations are difficult for you to tolerate, start with the one that is most tolerable. Practice letting that one go so you can still participate in things, and continue practicing until it’s no longer preventing you from doing the things you’re scheduled to do. Once you notice progress, move on to the next sensation that’s most tolerable and do the same thing. Be patient with yourself as you go and know that it’ll get better with time.

Melanie McNally, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and brain coach who helps tweens, teens, and young adults become the superheroes of their life stories. She is founder of Destination You, an online support space for youth and their parents.

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Going from being in a romantic relationship to co-parenting with a person you no longer want to be close to can feel daunting and overwhelming. A separation or divorce when you have kids doesn’t just entail separating your stuff and your homes and creating custody and parenting arrangements; it requires a complete mindset shift. This shift involves the roles you and your former partner play in each other’s lives, while also parenting your child.

Moreover, this shift upends your primary attachment system. The first attachment figure in your life was your earliest caregiver. As an adult, your attachment figure became your romantic partner. Now that attachment has been severed. Who is that person to you now?

Lilly and Miguel came to see me for therapy six months after ending their marriage. They were hot with anger, resentment, and shame—mixed with sadness. Although they said they wanted an amicable divorce, they were stuck in an emotional loop and unable to make important decisions together.

“Our kid is unhappy at middle school. She’s complaining she doesn’t have any friends. But I’m not sure we should move her to another school yet,” Lilly says.

“Maybe if you didn’t always quiz her about her friends, she wouldn’t feel so bad. Maybe you’re the one with issues. No wonder she doesn’t want to come out of her room,” Miguel responded, shooting her a sideways glance.

“What? I’m confused. How is this about his school?” Lilly looks to me for help.

“You’re always telling her what to do. Just like you did with me. And are still trying to do with me,” Miguel explains, his jaw tightening as his body assumes a defensive stance.

“Well, let me just remind you that I was the one who supported us. I made the money. At least you could help by sticking to our agreement about not bickering in front of our daughter.” Lilly joins the angry/defensive/blame dance they are both so accustomed to.

“Now you’re blaming me? You’re the one with all the little comments about me not working.” Miguel’s body sinks back into the couch.

“See why it’s so hard to make decisions with him?” Lilly says to me, her face full of exasperation. “I can’t do this anymore!”

What I saw were two humans struggling. They weren’t able to stick to the topic—instead each brought in old issues from the past and tried to undermine the other. And they didn’t reserve this behavior for the therapy office. Their child was witnessing it too.

Since childhood, both Lilly and Miguel had yearned to be seen, heard, and valued. They weren’t able to meet these needs in their marriage. Now, as co-parents, they were still trying—equally unsuccessfully—to look to each other for their needs to be met and acknowledged. Their anger and resentment made it hard to communicate about issues related to their child, such as decisions about school. They had one foot in the “you’re supposed to care for me” dance, and the other in the “you’re no longer my person” dance. Their anger kept them fused together, as well as prevented them from co-parenting as a team. No wonder they were stuck.

Reframing the purpose of the relationship

When you and your partner were coupled, you were each other’s go-to people for safety and security. Even if you weren’t good at meeting each other’s needs, your attachment systems were plugged into each other. When your child came into your coupledom, maintaining that attachment between the two of you remained your priority.

Now that you have gone from a romantic to a co-parenting relationship, it’s time to shift your priority away from the two of you and toward prioritizing the needs of your child. You need to reframe the purpose of your relationship so it’s centered entirely on your child.

The first step in this mindset shift involves understanding how your respective attachment systems may still be plugged into each other. Your needs are important and valid, but your ex is no longer the person to meet them. This can be confusing and a big cause of distress and conflict for co-parents.

The next step is to unplug from each other, so you can instead plug back into yourself and bring compassion and understanding to your own needs.

I worked with Lilly and Miguel to identify the different parts of themselves that had yearned to be seen, heard, and valued for a long time. They were able to move from blame to compassion when they realized that these feelings originated long ago, in their experiences with their early caregivers, and that they had continued to play this out in their relationship together. After that, they worked to hone their co-parenting roles, as distinct from their prior romantic roles.

You can use the following questions (which helped Lilly and Miguel) to identify what belonged in your romantic relationship, which is now over, and which belong in your new co-parenting one:

1. What positive and challenging aspects of your romantic relationship (not about your kids) made you a couple (e.g., sex, intimacy, seeking validation, getting emotional needs met or not)?

2. What qualities do you appreciate about each other as parents? How do you each contribute to your kid’s life?

3. In what ways can and can’t you continue to support each other as a co-parenting team?

4. What roles do you envision each of you moving into as you claim parenting on your own?

5. What resources (e.g., therapy, friends, family, yoga) do you each have to get your own emotional and healing needs met outside the co-parenting relationship?

These questions can help you shift your mindset so that you can become a cooperative co-parenting team. At the same time, you may want to continue your individual healing and work through any counterproductive patterns that keep you from successfully co-parenting your child. Within the context of co-parenting, your mindset is now focused on the sole purpose of your co-parenting relationship: to raise kids who can thrive in two homes.

Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified co-parenting coach, and mediator with a clinical practice in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in working with co-parents, couples, and individuals. As a mom and co-parent herself, she is very familiar with the challenges faced by parents raising kids in two households. For more than ten years, she has drawn on attachment theory and other modalities to help clients navigate their emotional whirlwinds and create a secure co-parenting family.

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Teens who repeatedly respond with “Yes, but” are stuck; and their therapists are stuck too. “Yes, I’d feel better if I hung out with friends, but they’re too busy.” “Yes, I know you’re right, but it’s hard to do.” “Yes, I could try that, but I don’t know if it will work.” It’s imperative that you address the yes, but attitude early in treatment if the teen is to progress. Here are two ways to help teens understand the costs of a yes, but attitude:

• Reverse role-plays: Invite the teen to change roles with you. You play the yes, but attitude and the teen plays you, the therapist. To the suggestions from the teen, as the therapist, you answer yes, but. Take care that you don’t come off sarcastic. After several minutes, stop the role-play and ask the teen to reflect on what it was like to face all the yes, buts. “Did you feel frustrated, hopeless? Did you think, ‘They’re never going to get better?’ Did you question how helpful you are as the therapist?” Then, ask the teen whether having a therapist feeling and thinking that way is helpful to them.

• Yes, but-chairs: Make one chair the yes-chair and the other the yes, but-chair. Ask the teen to sit in the yes-chair and respond to your comments. After a few minutes, ask the teen to switch to the yes, but-chair and respond to your comments. Instruct the teen to switch between chairs for several minutes. Then, ask the teen to reflect on the experience. “How did you feel in each chair? What thoughts did you have in each chair? How might those thoughts and feelings get in the way of your progress toward your therapy goals?”

Michael A. Tompkins, PhD, ABPP, is a board-certified psychologist in behavioral and cognitive psychology. He is codirector of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy, and is a faculty member of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Tompkins is author or coauthor of fifteen books, and presents to national and international audiences on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and related topics. His work has been highlighted by media outlets, including in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, on television (The Learning Channel, A&E), and on radio (KQED, NPR).

The post “Yes, But:” Helping Teen Clients Move Forward appeared first on New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Problem

If you have a client who shows a flash of anger about exploring a particular subject, or discussing home practice, this initial show of temper can devolve into a power struggle if it isn’t managed with a sensitive tone.

Self-Talk

A self-talk approach, using elements of schema therapy and chairwork, focuses on the angry or impulsive reaction as just one part of the client’s self. The therapist helps the client express their point of view about what it’s like to live with this impulsive part.

This simple technique accomplishes three powerful tasks:

• Client names the impulsive part
• Client identifies with the self that is not the impulsive part (healthy part)
• Healthy part becomes a partner for the therapist with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) exercises

Example

Therapist: You’re kind of grumpy about talking this week? Not interested?

Client: Yeah, I don’t really see the point.

Therapist: What kinds of feelings are you having about it?

Client: I’m frustrated. Angry I guess, like, why do I have to do this?

Therapist: I know last week there was a different you, a hopeful you. What do you think hopeful you would say about the you who is here today?

Client: This happens a lot. I get moody and upset about having to do this work.

Therapist: And so, this moody part doesn’t help?

Client: At the end of the day, no.

Therapist: So, what would you say to the moody part about this?

Client: You really don’t need to be this way.

Therapist: I actually get why she’s so moody about doing this work. She gets tired of it. She wishes she could let it go. I understand and respect that. But you’re right. Maybe we could tell her she can be moody another time? After the therapy is over?

Result

Once you’ve established this connection with your client’s healthy part, you have a grounding from which you can partner on CBT work.

Richard Brouillette, LCSW, is a certified schema therapist who works with entrepreneurs, creatives, and professionals seeking to overcome anxiety, find fulfillment, and improve their relationships. Brouillette has been published in The New York Times and PsychCentral, and is a Psychology Today expert opinion blogger. Brouillette is a former Secretary of the Executive Board of the International Society for Schema Therapy.

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Can we get real for just a minute here? Is it actually possible to go out with friends and not drink any alcohol? Or celebrate a holiday without alcohol to toast the occasion? Is it even doable to get home at the end of a stressful workday and not reach for a glass of wine?

Well, the truth is, we are talking about changing habits. What you used to do every single time will look and feel slightly different when you change the habit of drinking alcohol to celebrate or take the edge off your day.

There are a few ways to take the charge out of that event where everyone is drinking alcohol. But it’s going to require your full attention and focus. There are things you can do to unwind and take care of yourself, so your decisions are in your best interest. The goal is for you to feel good, not only during the event, but the next morning, too.

The simpler the strategies are, the better chance you will do them and lean on them when things feel awkward, challenging, or sensitive.

The first, and my personal favorite, is to breathe. Yep. Take a wonderful inhale and a relaxing exhale when you are in a situation where you feel pressure to drink but are choosing not to. Then, breathe again. If you can move your breath all the way down to your belly, all the better. Use this if you feel tense, bothered, bored, or just plain frustrated.

The second, and my all-time go-to, is to slow the decision down. Sometimes you might find yourself in a situation where everyone is making fast decisions about alcohol. You can sit back, look around, and give yourself a few minutes to decide what you plan to do. Phrases like: “Give me a few minutes to think about what I want and get back to you,” or “I’m not quite ready yet.” Use this whenever you feel rushed, anxious, annoyed, or confused.

The third, and one that I use all the time, is to excuse yourself from the situation or event for a few moments. When you are making a behavioral change like cutting down or quitting alcohol, it’s okay to change your environment and regroup. Go outside if you can, look up to the vast sky, explore the clouds or stars, find something interesting to focus on for a little while. If you cannot get outside, go to the restroom and run warm water over your hands. Use this when you feel triggered, agitated, boxed in, or uncertain.

Changing a habit or behavior can be pretty cool if you allow the experience to unfold, notice how you are feeling in different situations, and use a few simple techniques. Give yourself time to reflect on your successes and keep going.

Rebecca E. Williams, PhD, is a psychologist, wellness expert, and award-winning author specializing in healthy recovery from mental illness, addiction, and life challenges. She is coauthor of The Gift of Recovery and The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction. You can learn more at: www.mindfulnessworkbook.com.

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Transport back with me, to Algebra class—seventh grade, eighth grade, or whenever that was for you. You’ve already learned how to solve more straightforward math equations—those with just subtraction or just division or just exponents. Now, you’re learning to solve more complex equations that include multiple of these.

Your algebra teacher shares with you something revelatory: Because these new, complicated equations have multiple types of math in them, you need something called an order of operations to work through them—a step-by-step approach to solving these multifaceted problems.

Enter PEMDAS. Aka, Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. Aka, Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction.

It’s an acronym. It’s a mnemonic. It’s a guide. It’s a praxis. It’s basically everything you could ever want and need to solve life’s most challenging math problems. It reminds you to process problems one step at a time, and it gives you the step-by-step order to follow. It’s a religion.

Perhaps most excitingly, the underlying principle of PEMDAS extends far beyond algebra class, and indeed far beyond the field of math. (Thankfully, because I stopped understanding math when I got to geometry.)

This principle—that an order of operations can provide a helpful framework for solving complex problems—is one you can apply to yourself each day. Specifically, as you navigate the inevitable moments of feeling multiple negative emotions at once.

These moments are so deeply common. When you make a big mistake, you might feel distress, failure, and anxiety. When you’re underpaid at work, you might feel frustrated, inferior, and worried about paying the bills. When your romantic partner wrongs you, you might feel anger, sadness, and unsafe. When your child struggles in a way you can relate to, you might feel concerned about your kid, insecure about your parenting skills, and personally triggered.

These moments create unique challenges characterized by the broader sense of emotional overwhelm. All the emotions you’re feeling simultaneously—they can sort of glom together, into what seems like a big, heavy, amorphous emotional heap. You might think, “Where do I even start?”

In these moments, just as in algebra class, a clear order of operations can aid you. This emotional order of operations is a lot like PEMDAS, but also has a key difference.

Regarding how they’re alike: First, both require you to assess the problem you’re looking at, specifically by naming its components parts. For example, solving the math equation

X = (2+ 4) + 5² – 3 x 3 

requires you to first notice it includes Parentheses, an Exponent, Multiplication, Addition, and Subtraction. This step is as important to solving the math problem as it is to navigating complicated emotional moments. Simply put, labeling the multiple negative emotions you’re feeling in any moment sets you up to effectively and efficiently work through those emotions.

Another similarity between an order of operations for math and emotions, is that after you identify the key components of the current problem, it’s recommended to address each of those components singularly and in a stepwise fashion. In our equation

X = (2+ 4) + 5² – 3 x 3 

per PEMDAS, you’d first take care of what’s in the Parentheses: 2 + 4 = 6. You’d then address the Exponent: 5² = 25. Next, the Multiplication: 3 x 3 = 9. Finally, Addition and Subtraction, left to right: (6) + 25 – 9 = 22. Therefore, after taking things methodically and stepwise, you solve for X, as 22.

Same goes for those moments with multiple negative emotions: Address each component one at a time. Let’s use one of our earlier examples: When you make a big mistake, you might feel distress, failure, and anxiety.

After identifying these component emotional parts, attempt to process and respond to them one by one. I listed distress first because I recommend dealing with any general “distress” first. This is because experiencing general distress itself can be aversive and can compromise your ability to process other emotions. You may have heard of the related concept of distress intolerance, which is when we feel dysregulated simply because we’re distressed at all.

This makes sense; distress is distressing. But labeling general distress—and using a few microskills to reduce it—can help set you up to process other, more situation-specific emotions you’re feeling. Such distress tolerance microskills include breathing/relaxation exercises; visualizing something positive; splashing cold water on your face; grounding yourself in the present moment by connecting with your current sensory experiences; or repeating an empowering phrase to yourself, e.g., “You’ve got this.”

After you complete this important step in your emotional order of operations, move on to the next emotion—the one that feels most strong. I recommend this approach, because often if you can process a little or a lot of this strongest emotion, some of the other negative emotions you’re feeling may also dissipate.

Let’s say in our example, the remaining emotion you felt most strongly was failure. Using some microskills to address these failure feelings can go a long way. Such microskills include generating counterevidence to the feeling of failure—asking yourself, “When have I been successful, now or in the past?”; de-catastrophizing—reminding yourself that likely the worst outcome you’re imagining now will not manifest; and, self-compassion—generating compassionate contextual reasons for the mistake you made, “I was stressed, I did my best.”

Processing some general distress and failure hopefully would have you feeling better already. But, to the extent that you want, keep going in your emotional order of operations—aiming to process any remaining emotions one by one, until you feel better enough to move forward from whatever complex or challenging emotional experience you’re having.

For sure, each of your complex emotional experiences is unique—just like each algebra problem is. But, an order of operations will give you a broader, guiding framework to use across experiences.

Here’s where we get to that key difference between PEMDAS and our emotional order of operations: PEMDAS leads to you solve problems, whereas our new system leads you to process, but not necessarily “solve,” emotions.

This isn’t totally surprising, because while math is quantitative, life is qualitative. This qualitative richness of life is what makes it so beautiful, but also sometimes so gut-wrenching. We can simultaneously be grateful for both systems like PEMDAS that solve problems, and for more emotion-based orders of operations that don’t solve problems, but help us live a more fulfilling life.

Thanks, algebra teacher. Thanks, Aunt Sally. And now, thanks, new emotional order of operations.

Steff Du Bois, PhD, (he/they) is a clinician in private practice, and associate professor of psychology at the Illinois Institute of Technology (IIT). They lead the Du Bois Health Psychology Laboratory, where they mentor psychology students and conduct health psychology research.

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